Dad now going crazy. Once again, this happens.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

argh... don't bother me fer the moment. leave me alone. these ar some words i'll shout out to those ppl who i don't give a damn about. why start telling me yur tales and shit when you won't ever listen to mine. i'm nt a wonder-woman here. i can't be always there to solve you ppl fcuking problems. finally, all my anger released. gosh, what was i mad about. i myself not being clear here too. kkays. erase that. sorry fer not blogging this few days. i had this very bad mood on monday night and i wasn't really able to express it down in words.

dad dad dad, i also wanna let ya noe. i'm nt a wonder-woman/child. i'm gonna be 17 soon and can't you just stop killing me with yur attitude. why can't you just listen to me fer that moment. why can't you listen? it doesn't mean you ar old and you know everything. i hate my life living up to yur standards. those ar yur dreams not mine. i wanna live my life, grow up the way i wanna. i've listened you yur every words as hard as i could. i myself didn't wanted to fail my english. you always make me sound that i did it on purpose. and money-wise. can't you just stop telling me yur own fairy-tales abt how hard you've got to live in yur oldies world. one day allowance only having 20 cents. face reality my dear, now ish 2003. it's not 1965. those ar the past. i don't wish to blame ya fer anything. i just wanna ya to listen to me and understand me.

lastly, i'm beginning to feel weird about a particular subject. anyway, i might be too sensitive. argh... i won't bother. i won't.

`i don't lyke yur ignorance. i hate lies. beware be4 you speak one.


w/o tears Melissa posted at 12:04 AM
Shed A Tear, Crystalise Me.

Taken from date as mention above. All thanks to dad...

Early morning and yet i'm stuck in school. I should be in bed!!! Contact lenses ain't working well. I see nothing from the projector... And this crazy programming teacher ish teaching loop loop loop.... He keeps shouting 'you can make this inner loop, or a inner inner loop or a inner inner inner loop'! This ish real boring cos i understand nuts!!!

Yesterday was scolded by dad terribly! Cos' i accidentally called him 'Uncle'. It was lyke a subside effect. Darling was sitting in the living room while i wanted to get some ice-cream. The bell rang and i opened the door. I did call 'Daddy' but after i turn and look at Darling. Unknownly i lead off uncle.! Dad was lyke super angry with me after all his work stress, he gave me hell infront of darling. Poor me, i did nothing wrong. Oh my, when i told mum about it, she was laughing lyke never before.

yesterday i had my terrible mood swing thus leading to a crazy suitation.... don't wish to talk and explain about it. but it was definitely the first time i felt terror from him. my whole body was trembling with fear and chill all over my spine...

i've just finish my access revision. gosh, i guess i really miss alot in class. with all that playing of mario. i guess i've to thank god that i'm at least not a computer idiot. slept the whole day until 2 plus. played mario again and again. super focus and non-stop. haa... wonder why i always love to work only in the night. i guess that's me. poor mind. can't even rest at a proper time. perhaps my brain only works at the fastest rate in the dark. haa... morning and afternoon or should i say sunlight? usually causes this slow and lazy mode. haa...

i'm definitely lazy to blog. why? maybe nothing much ish happening i guess...

it was raining heavily non-stop on thursday... it gave this super comfty feeling with my jacket on and my mind trying to signal that i should skip lessons. and i really did... left class early after test, then went to look fer darling in his school. was going to accompany his friend to a salon at boon lay. yeah, and that day was filled with nonsense... i fell in the bus. kinda clumsy right? i fell with full force on my bum and my legs straighten out in this small area between the seats. i was lyke wearing skirt at that time too... must be someone cursing the hell out of me. don't ask me why i fell, ask darling. he knows it well enough. out of struggling, i fell. being super embarrass at that point of time and i flew right off the next stop.

it's been years since i last fell infront of the crowd. oh my god, can't imagine i'm the one looking at this couple doing chaos in the bus and then fer great sake, the girl fell. i would have gave it a real laugh. after the whole dramatic act, i definitely wasn't feel alright. i just storm my way home leaving darling all the way at the back. just couldn't care much at that point of time. things drag and *skip* *skip* 3 hours later, i reach home safely. went home and realise my laptop nearly went crazy again. arse, i really don't trust it anymore. how i wish everything starts going manual cos computers ar so hard to understand.

(friday) today i woke up as usual timing. met darling at the bus stop. when reaching the bus stop, we realise it was lyke far too late. so we decided to skip classes and went towards macdonalds... the atmosphere was stone cold. yeah, and i discourage you people to get mcwings. such an stupid idea. you could actually just get downstairs to yur coffee shop and get wings fer only 2 bucks which ish much more worthy in terms of cost. maybe i'm bias cos' they took off my only favourite mc'chicken spicy. but mcwings? really no quality. i want my mc'chicken spicy. the only way i could grow fat. argh... poor friday... weekends ish coming and i'm heavily dued with many assignments.

guys guys guys or anyone who bets. please don't waste money lyke you have this multi purpose printing currency machine at home. i'm discouraging it definitely. at least bet if you have the extra money to do so. although it might be a interest but poor people all started out lyke this. everyone wanting to grow rich. you'll be one if you earn yur way thru. the best ish to know yur own limits.

hmmm, today went out with sister adel... quite boring but kinda anticipating. we were accompanied with darling and two of his friend... 1 of a shy case and another of the opposite case... catch this stupid and discusting movie called 28 days later... although it was kinda scary but it was really lame... i guess i'll just give it a pass... after the movie, we went to scotts fer meal. had tom yam soup... i was really spicy but someone made me laugh and i nearly choke... haa... and my throat was fuming hot... after then, i stop eating... adel worst still, her fish soup had this buggy in it... she stop eating too... the next stop, far east. me and adel as usual took neoprints!



not bad right? i was really naughty and playful today. during chem tutorial i locked my teacher out of the classroom. haa, it was really cute to see him stand at the window looking at the innocent faces of us...

been real tired... yawn... now in programming classes. wanted to skip to catch more sleep actually but you know... i'll be gone case if i did miss it...

temporary skin fer the mood...

melissa in the eyes of happiness? melissa in the eyes of love and blossoms? i guess no one will ever see melissa in gloomy darkness of sad and sanity... melissa reaching the verge... just within this year, statistics show. melissa has flown thousands and millions of tears even more as compared to her first 15 years of life. why? nobody knows, nobody cares. she in doubt of herself too...

extracted from here

Personal life? Still ain't that great. Nearly broke down yesterday. I idle from 2am all the way to 4am. I sat at a corner of my room. Had my orange lamp light on and started mumbling to myself. Kept thinking and thinking. Couldn't fall asleep at all. Everything seems to be troubling me. And soon i'll be crazy. Crazy! I'm ass miserable. But what can i say or do? I don't have the courage to end my life too. And i know i shouldn't. It's unfair. Unfair to those who care for me. Am i crapping too much? But who cares. It's my website. I can't figure out what's bothering me. I guess it's all the pressure i have from my DAD and MYSELF. And i think i would do unexpected stuffs in such suitation. It's scary. Really terrifying. Now even dreams haunt me. I'm thinking too much. Thinking far too much. Control is the vital element.

PEACE AND HARMONY!!

another 1...

extracted from here

Now, i can tell. I'm not feeling alright again. Once again. This always happen when i'm alone. I'm kinda out of words. Okay i can say it's because of broken stuffs. Why am i not schooling now? How on earth did i failed my english and end up like this now? Is this called fate that people always munch in their piece of mouth? Is this what my path has push me into? Am i out of silence? Why can't i just can't get satisfied? Why can't i manage this? Why Why Why? Why am i alone? Because i'm fcuking lonely and pathetic. Because my life sucks and so do others. Because i'm a damn foolish girl thinking of too many things. Miserable. Ass. Suddenly i can't say more. Let my mind rest. Give me some peace. Give me the love and concern i need and want.

Love. What is this shit? This crap? Don't just peep into my personal life and say i think too much. What the f crap that nobody could just shut my mouth and talk over me? I'm looking for the one who is able to do that. I've found them. But all are gone. Living in their own world.

My head so heavy now. I can't stop. It's getting dizzy. My day filled with nothing. Boring life. I want you. She needs you. He loves her. He hates her. He wants me. I want him. She hates me. Everybody wanting to posses every part of that someone.

I'm screaming. Screaming around. I'm dreaming. Dreaming around.

you would probably think by now. this girl ish just having the hell out of trouble passing over her mood swings... but too bad, nobody could actually handle her crazy nonsense. and melissa? she'll just keep crying everyday...

and probably gets back to senses the next morning...

feeling so disgusted of a message i saw... eeekss... it's lyke, super fake...

my messages in my handphone ar all gone. thanks to the cursed... argh, my memories... all vanished...!!!

super lazy... super headache... super bloated... super giddy... super boring...

this ish what i'm feeling now...

went out with darling today finally. it has been a long time since we went somewhere beside our neighbourhood. our purpose out today was to celebrate our belated 4 months. darling bought me a pair of adidas superstar! so happy. wanna thank him lots...





oh ya, we caught 'turn left, turn right' argh... shouldn't have caught it. should hab chose 'priates of the carribean'. it was more lyke a comedy than a romantic movie. all i anticipated was tears and sorrow, sweetness and love from the movie but it ended up so dramatic... rate it just passed...

after the movie, we went to back heeren to shop. got myself a nail art toolkit fer 20 bucks. darling paid half of it, i paid the other... played with it on darling's hand. but within my own creation...



Looks lyke a female finger right?

anyway, i'm really totally sick of snails now... they ar totally slimy and gluely... argh... my hair just stands up...

This ish definitely interesting...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Found this real suitable fer the mood...

I love you like

I love you like the sunset,
calm along the sandy beach
I love you like the river,
running swift beyond my reach
I love you like the rainbow,
colours dancing across the sky
I love you like the freedom
of the birds that soar on high

I love you like the summer breeze
blowing gently through my hair
I love you like the showers of spring-
welcome beyond compare
I love you like the autumn leaves
of orange, red and yellow
I love you like the open fire of winter,
warm and mellow

And honey
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.

Soon it's gonna reach 12am and it's the 16th!! It's then the 4th month of darling and me. Although it may seem still a long way fer some of you all. But we seem to have known each other a light years ago. The feeling attached ish clear and refreshing... Although at times our skies goes real cloudy but we didn't chose gave up. We held each other up strongly and firmly.

Darling and i met on the 5th of April. I was working and of cos' he too. Lightning didn't struck fer the 1st time. But i admit i was a little more attracted to him fer i was single at the moment. He? Didn't pay a hell out attention on me at all. He and his friends decided to have some fun with me by asking fer my number. And tata, i ended up going out with his friends. And only at one certain occasion he booms out and keeps disturbing me... The usual comings came. Talking on the phone till late nights, enjoying soccer matches together and lastly of cos' enjoying our company out individually. I guess he was just attracted by the comfty feeling with me. Hee... Am i right, darling? Yeah, and it ish of so much coincidence that my primary school best mate 'Xiaowen' ish actually one of his close girl pal...

Anyway, i just wanna shout out that



HAPPY 4 MONTHS OF YOU AND ME, DARLING!
May our love bring us far...

See how much you really worth at FaceTheJury.com

You are worth exactly: $1,646,638.00.

We hope you can find somebody who is wealthy enough to afford you.

i'm worth lyke this much? haa. go try out and see yurs... post results here in comments taggy...

don't wanna be so 'rou ma' but i miss my darling lots...

peacefully i slept the whole day. not knowing how tired i was. i just kept my eyes close. kept myself from dreaming and dreaming non-stop. what kinda of life... i envy myself...

fer the past two days, i've been kinda free. my department ish having their own bazaa at the atrium and my friends had a stall there. it was pretty fantastic. they had customised pens with yur own design and henna making plus ringing tones/graphics fer sale. i myself invested 14 bucks on them. on thursday, brought darling there to do henna too. here ar some samples of what i did to my hand and my leg...



Talk to my hand!!





Love fer me and you!! On my leg...

if only i dare to tatoo, i'll make one small version of the 'Ai' on my leg. but i don't. haa. i skipped my physio lecture today and went to help out at the stall. i guess with a little more time and effort spent with people, relations do get better. beginning to feel very comfty with my classmates. everyone ish such a blessing except fer some weirdos (pervertic nature and attitude wise).

by the way, anybody wanna donate me fishes? my poor fighting fish died yesterday. RIP 11-09-03 i've lyke manage to keep i fer more than a year. sob... maybe the food i got fer him wasn't really suitable fer him. he never seem to lyke it. he died with an bloated stomach...

Went out with foong today. He actually drag me out. Was so exhuasted the whole day. Whenever i meet foong, nothing good will happen. Cos' he love to put me in an anti-climax situation and love to laugh at my foolishness. Ain't it true? But i'm pretty used to it. Foong also love to put on lots of comment on me. Lyke saying i've no fashion sense cos i wore an adidas shoe. What kinda of crap right? I admit the shoe ish quite old and cranky but it's still perfect fer me. Blah... There's another part where he said he could see my fats drooping out. I said huh? Really? And he just went to poke it and he said 'Haha... No no, it's bone!' Went to cineleisure after school. Caught Legally Blonde 2. Cute and pinky~ Love her laptop. So pink man... But the show was just a pretty cut-off from legally blonde 1. Nothing special and new. Just the same version but in another story line. Shall rate it 3/5 stars.

I've lyke plan enough fer outcoming events. Gonna get a samsung flip-phone during december. And a roxy lanyard. Saw it at heeren's flash and splash today. Really beautiful shade of sky blue and also available in lovely green.

I wanna catch 'Turn Left, Turn Right' !!

Hrmp... Nothing much to blog huh. I'm not busy at all. Infact, too free. Cos' darling ish now trying hard to bury his mind off those theories and formulas. Gonna be real free this week. I guess i'll just hop on to all my assignments (projects) before it gets too late. Anyway, i was caught in this surprise of my programming marks. Didn't knew i could do that well. Ahuh, not trying to boast. But i scored full marks fer my program coding. And this ish lyke wow... I didn't imagine i could do that much. It's probably one moment of luck. Hope my other subjects score well too... I mean who doesn't want their results to venture high?

Yeah, now on the verge of saving more money plus cutting down on my weight. I've manage to cut off 2kg last month. That's something wonderful. Now 48. Waiting fer dad to give me back my money and some extra expenses in months to come. Gonna get Lee's jeans and his swatch watch...

This blog ish getting so quiet. Hrmp... Anyway, common test ar all over. And holidays ar too! Gosh, gotta just pull myself back into the right track. My mind has been quite vivid recently. Went back to school with a brain freeze mind! Wasn't sure of what was actually happening. Can't imagine i've got 4 hours of lecture to 6 p.m tomorrow. Argh... Please don't let me fall asleep or i'm bound to get into some sort of unwanted trouble.

Decided to bring back 'More To Life' cos' i tink it actually brings more life to my bloggie...

I hate it whenever I have ups and downs. Especially when it's on and off, on and off. I don't understand how can ppl just smash up my happiness that they just build up. Eventhough it's not on purpose. I just feel real miserable. It's been a week. And maybe even longer than that. I've had enough of it. Just yesterday when I thought everything would be going fine. And now? Shucks.

But the problems leads... I always end up blaming myself. This makes me even miserable. But at least I won't hate and I won't piss. I'll just blame... MYSELF.

Anyway, my bandwidth ish over again. That's why all my pics couldn't be shown. Fer safe purpose, I've change the song everybodys' in love with to a Midi. And sorry Alvin, your song can't be played anymore. If you wanna, I tink you should upload into yur own server. I can't afford to cross my bandwidth again.

Saturday

(9.14pm)

The urge to blog was so strong but i met it. Blogger having problems. Argh... This ish so sick.

The Moment When The One I Needed Badly Wasn't There

My eyes were blinking,
I knew i wasn't awake.
But i was definitely clear of everything.
I hope my heart stops playing,
A game of mine.

Time went fast and smooth,
I changed and strike off.
While it brought me towards my journey,
From a high apartment,
Down to the ground.
I was anticipating,
That smile i wanted to see.
My heart grew so strong.
The feeling was so explosive.

Things didn't brought me further.
How i imagine i could,
But soon the pathway was revealed.
And by then i realise,
It was all just a dream.

The warm embrace i wish i had,
Wasn't granted at all.
My soul began to wander around,
Everywhere in this small neighbourhood.

It's time fer me to leave,
This lonely place of mine.
Where ish the heaven i proposed every night?
Don't make me fall forever.

(12.56am)

Dream Bella M

Friday, I went out with my sisters (Yan And Adel). It was a nice day through. Life ish occasionally fun if your mind ish at freeze. I woke up in the afternoon just giving myself time to catch the sun. Saw the phone right by my side, I decided to give Yan a call. Dated her out to Orchard. While I was preparing myself out, Adeline decided to tag along. We manage to meet but not just in time. Haa, kkays. Girls, love to dress-up. Late late late. Nonetheless, everything went smooth, we paced our route to Far East Plaza. In mind, getting ready fer these neoprint shots. Here ar some fer ya ppl to enjoy. The rest could be found in Yan's And Adel's Blog.



I look so spastic there. But I love it. It's me!! Haa...



A Whole Collection.... Sweetie babes... Ooopss... Hee...

That's all i have. Yeah, that's also how Dream Bella appeared. All thanks to Qiyan. According to her, it's kinda a fantasy name fer the 3 of us. And I'm Dream Bella M. The rest i'll just let you guys figure out. Had our meal at Scotts. I was kinda quiet. And the two girls kept munching and munching. All filled, we stroll towards Ck Tangs' bus stop to head towards Suntec City. (Anyway, is Ck Tangs really so deserted? This two fellows know none about it's location.) While passing through the main entrance of Ck Tangs. This sissy guy approached us with a very weird question. Can I help to trim yur eyebrowns? It's definitely me being the one. Cos' my eyebrowns were in a mess. Haa. But i didn't chose to. It's lyke I don't trust and I don't need. He keept saying that he ish famous and many girls love his skills. Nah, Adel said it's all a fake.

We reached Suntec Convention Hall and to the Comex Fair. Breeze around the fair, computers ar real cheap these days. We went down to the fountain terrace, saw this dedication machine. Made a foolish dedication. To: Mel, Yan, Adel. From: Dream Bella. 'Happiness... Bless them. Love you guys.' We also went round the fountain 3 times in clockwise distance. It's rumoured that it's the best 'Feng Shui District' and it would bring fortune to one! Truthfully, I hope it really will. Then, we went to Carrefour, got a tub of 'Meiji Green Tea Ice Cream'. Again, all thanks to Qiyan. Got some spoons. Made our way to the Fountain. Sat at one of the benches and ate. Was waiting until our dedication came out. There was laser presentation too. So we could actually view our message there. Adeline went nuts when someone proposed using the the dedication. But i admit, it was lyke so sweet. Aww... Will you marry me? Hmmm, this will never happen to me. We sat around that corner until 10 struck. Made our way to esplanade and chat. We discuss about new topics we never tried before. Hee. Everything came to an end when I needed to rush fer the last 960. Then, i made my way home. Leaving those two gers by to continue munching...

lazy to blog...

stupid brother. bringing me towards trouble. hate it man. he breech into my blog using my dad's com. luckily just in front of mum instead of dad. now mum knows everything about me and him. i didn't wanted to hide. just waiting fer the time to tell. stupid arse. she gave me a stupid scolding. saying if you let yur dad read your blog, you'll be dead. and you better know what ar you doing. it's not lyke i don't know what am i doing. come on' in this age of life, what could you do? study and study? get a diploma, get to the university and work work work. then, be a poor little widow fer yur life? shucks, hate everything now. this stupid moment of life. why not just sent me up the hill and i'll just live there. maybe it would be much peaceful with my bald head. had finish solving my laptop and now this. argh, problems just keep rushing into my blood vessels. go to hell and leave me in peace. waste my time fer praying fer you people every night, blessing your souls.

gosh, i feel so cursed now. fer no sickening reason, my laptop had gone bonkers. i really can't understand why. man, this ish such a bad week fer me. now i've to go thru everything again. all that passive hours of installing my programmes in school! argh, why can't i just pass by pathetic life smoothly. shucks, i hate it.

haa. so lazy to blog. inspiration damn stuck. didn't had much of a great day the pass two days. but problems ar solve le. so don't worry fer me. i'll be alright. my physiology test ish arriving soon this thursday. better start studying... and my tutorials not done yet. gonna get everything done by tomorrow. holidays ar reaching an end. so sad! working this saturday and sunday at suntec. quite lazy to do so too. hee. but must help dad.

`crying makes one so tiring. somehow it's lyke you can't breathe anymore and the end ish near. so babes, don't tear. it hurts every single muscle tissue in your body especially the area surrounding yur heart.